As soon as the day begins, the million little things I thought about before bed start to resurface.
I go through my morning routine almost robotically, keeping a close eye on the time and easily distracted by my own thoughts – where I need to be, what I need to do – and the smell of coffee. The pressures of being a good wife, mother, student, employee, friend and person often make life seem fleeting and go by much faster than I can ever comprehend.
Most days I feel like I’ve blinked and a week has gone by. I’m sure I’m not the only one who doesn’t quite realize how time has passed.
In all the chaos that life throws at us, it’s almost impossible not to be consumed by our own existence. Managing our schedules, finances, and relationships is no easy task. The dangerous consequence of our balancing act is that we overlook, or worse, ignore, the opportunity to save a life. It’s all too easy to miss the details of what’s going on in the lives of those around us, no matter how hard we try. We also rarely get the chance to know exactly what’s going on in someone else’s mind.
The mind is a powerful place and can be a burden for people struggling with mental health issues. If you’re struggling with conditions like PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, it can become an internal war.
Soldiers and their families are often forced to move, leading to periods of isolation or not knowing where to get support and help when thoughts become overwhelming.
Living in a military community, I can’t express how important it is to recognize and respond appropriately to those who need someone to pull them back from a precipice they may not be able to return from. While the military community isn’t alone in struggling with suicide, our active-duty friends and neighbors are dealing with issues that complicate—and may even cause—existing mental health problems. Anyone can break down, even the strongest person. When that happens, recognizing and responding appropriately will make the difference between bringing them back and wishing you’d known or done something differently.
I find it easy to talk about the many roles I play with anyone who will listen. I could talk for days about my husband and children, my good grades, my wonderful employers, and the amazing people in my life. What I find much harder, however, is talking about the struggles I have with my mental health. Lately, I’ve realized that I can’t hide it, and I shouldn’t.
I came face to face with the edge – and walked away. I was finally able to see what my mind was telling me I didn’t have.
Not the end
This crisis is the first in a long time and the first I’ve experienced since my husband joined the Army. It was almost the end of my story. Instead, I’m grateful for the opportunity to sit here and write – and give you a glimpse into what was going through my mind in the hope that it might one day save someone else’s life.
At some point, I started to believe that I wasn’t worth the stress and the torment of dealing with someone struggling with mental health issues. That I wasn’t worth any of those things in my life. That the struggle was too hard, too dark, and too lonely to ever truly get out of. That no one could understand. That I was tired of living with such a heavy burden. Of knowing that no one knew how I was.
I couldn’t convince myself it wasn’t real. I knew I’d be accused of being selfish, but I couldn’t think of any other way out. Could other people’s opinions of me be worse than what I thought of myself? I was tired of just surviving, of carrying on and pretending everything was OK when I couldn’t stop suffering. I was alone while my husband was away on business and my kids were out of town, and I thought, “This has to be it.”
Something inside me knew that I didn’t want gobut I had no idea how remain. I wanted to ask for help, but who could I ask to help me? If I called, would someone think I was just looking for attention or judge me?
I did it anyway. I decided to ask for help and get assessed if that was what was needed. I decided to live. I knew that what I was feeling was just a moment; there would be so many other moments that I would miss if I chose otherwise
And I’m so glad I sought help.
After that, I confided in the people in my life about my emotional state and my diagnosis. I was afraid of being judged, but overcoming that fear saved my life in the first place. I needed to tell them because I needed their support. I needed to know that I was not alone, even when I felt alone again.
If you are experiencing mental health issues or suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone. You need to talk about it, let someone in, and get help from those around you. You may not know how you feel inside. If you have tried talking about it but are not getting the help you need, don’t stop looking for help because I promise you that help is out there. You are worth it, you are loved, and you can win this battle.
If you or someone you know needs free counseling, call, text, or chat 988, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
